Just something I wrote the other night after my therapy group. I'm working through this and sometimes writing it helps.
How do you tell someone youíre in pain when you donít feel anything? Are you really in pain? Iíve dealt with it for so long itís simply a part of me. The sharp pains of memories burnt into your mind fade into a dull numbness that threatens to engulf me at times. Time after time of telling yourself that youíre really okay and pretending that nothing ever happened. But deep inside you know. You remember. You tried your best to push it out of your mind, but nothing ever succeeded. Everyday, reminders are shoved in your face, threatening to upset you and cause your undoing. If anyone found out, it would mean your demise. All it takes is a touch, a word, a sound for emotions to start screaming out of your soul. You canít push this away from yourself.
This is me. Why canít I escape this? There must be a way out. At any moment, I might say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing or look the wrong way and my cover is blown. Every move I make and every word I say is scrutinized and picked apart to ensure my cover isnít blown. Iím an undercover agent deep behind enemy lines. Alone without any hope of rescue.
I canít do this. Iím afraid. Fear, loneliness and pain are advancing on my heart and so I retreat. My body betrays me, and so do my actions. If I retreat outside of myself then I am safe. No one can touch me. They can do what they want with the boy they see walking and talking. But I will be safe. Separated from myself so no one can see me.