Some slight detail. dont read if that bothers you.

I am in my mid 50's. lots of years in heavy alcohol drug fog. Now almost 20 years clean and sober. I remembered all along some CSA. Some is coming thru foggy memory spots.

Two things bother me. The worst first.

I was befriended by an older teen I idolized when I was 8 to 9. He was cool. What I wanted to be. He helped me masturbate and taught of bj's. give and take. I learned his body did things mine did not yet. I remember some scenes vividly with all senses. It was a rite of passage, he said. But I was lonely in an alcoholic parent family, screaming fighting. Physical abuse to me. So this boy was my mentor and hero. He later moved. I missed him.

So I was groomed for abuse as I now understand. But until a week ago I did not even know of this concept. I had felt like a sick willing victim. Knowing this now is not really helping much. I guess when a kid is groomed and becomes close to his abuser it goes that way. I just feel like I was mentally violated as well. This is quite a mind F. I know the abuse changed me. Every woman I date had to nearly love giving oral on demand or I took it she did not love me and broke up with her. My wife enjoys it.

But I was permanently changed by this couple months of idolizing my abuser. It is embarrassing enough that it happened, I liked it, liked him, and now it is a part of my current sex life. It feels like defeat. Not sure.

I have minimal damage, I like to think. Others have suffered unthinkable things. But the. I consider my mental state. I spent month as a teen boys near daily sex parter at 9, and I don't think it is that bad.

In all honesty, I really must be messed up in the head to even think that. I have a feeling I will feel the pain of it as part of recovery and moving forward. I'm just done with lying to myself about it. I feel like I want to be mad, but feel it would do no good.

Second thing. Eventually I may tell my wife part of it. Seems unthinkable to do now.

All for now.
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.