Based on this:
So Scott, we sit here on a Sunday, aching for hand of help from His people.
I have to add, "normals" are not able to handle the load we carry, not even those who have been put in a position of religious oversight. We carry the blackness of shame and control that is so overwhelming that fear and uncertainty come out in sharing as rage, angry chest pounding. We literally would rather have a limb cut off than have to experience that again, in our heads our through our eyes. Rejection, the thing most of us ran into abuse trying to avoid, is the tool the world uses to stop us sharing. When a few moments into the share we hear, "God has tested you, it will make you strong" and "stop it" or "don't think about it", we acutely feel that rejection.
May I share? Recently I have had the emergent epiphany that my thought processes NEED to be fully worked through. When my local support stopped trying to stop me with those thoughts above or with silence, when she finally told me to talk it out, I felt such a relief, in short, acceptance of my chaos with a listening ear and support who would stay by me until I worked through the fear. The best line I heard my local support say was, "Okay, I think you should bring him up on criminal charges." Complete acceptance, it was truly wonderful.
I have traveled extensively, I have visited many centers of worship and shared my story but I have found only two people who would do this, and they were not perfect.
It is not about religion or stature, it is about the random chance that someone.., anyone.., will sit with us until we have resolved and concluded the terrifying, overwhelming images and emotional burden we carry.
Until I found that in the real life, I found it here. Your situation is different Still, here is not safe entirely, but is there something within this that can comfort and support you?