* triggers *

Oh man.

Something happened today in my martial arts class that triggered some deep emotions. I was training and was taking backward falls from being thrown. The guy doing the throwing was not looking and threw me backwards into a 15 year old girl, who got injured. Luckily it did not appear to be serious, she was sent home with an ice pack on her jaw, but she was shaken and crying.

Afterwards I was asked to apologize to her and her mother. The guy I was training with didn't say anything, and then guys were in the locker room after talking about how I 'smoked' a girl.

I felt so much shame. It brought up this terrible deep feeling I've been holding. I know what it's from, it's to do with my sister.

In my childhood, the whole time my dad was sexually abusing me in the basement, I was trying to protect my sister. He said he would hurt her if I told anyone, so I stayed silent. Then after 6 years in which I endured his rape, he brought my sister down to the basement. I was forced to watch her being raped. Then he threw a bloody condom at my head, 'see what you made me do.' In my mind I was the perpetrator, in my mind I failed to protect my sister. I believe that this may be why I have struggled with amnesia (and recently, come to peace with it).

To hear my mom join in on the scapegoating of me, calling me insane and calling *me* a pedophile, and recently to hear that my sister is now leaving her daughters with my dad (which I reported to child protective services)... I have been holding this incredibly deep shame and twisted sense of responsibility, holding myself responsible when I was psychologically tortured into witnessing the abuse of my sister, whom I love very much.

Wow this is so intense... I have known this stuff for awhile now but it's just hitting me so much deeper now, this level of the trauma... so cruel. so cruel.

Compassion is a good place to go to, I remember. I'm going to try to find some compassion now for the little boy I was, and for my sister, and for that girl in practice today, and for my mother and my father.

Oh God.

Edited by risingagain (09/13/13 06:21 AM)