They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well if that's true, I must be insane. I can't tell the difference between one day or the next, the only real measure for memory is the music I constantly listen to. I listen to music all day, different new songs all the time, I like the ones I enjoy and keep them recorded so to speak. If I listen to a song I did a month ago, I'd feel how I felt a month ago, I'd remember certain things about that time, but everything is so similar, only something emotionally charged like music can remind me of the subtletys. I'm just stuck, repeating the same thing day after day, in the same house day after day, seeing the same two people day after day. I ask myself the same questions day after day, but I never, never get any answers. Life has become so mundane, I'm confused by differences. Everything's mashed together, numbed down, I can't recognize my emotions anymore. In therapy sessions I struggled when asked a simple question like, "How does that make you feel?" It just doesn't register. I'm so sick and tired of this meaningless and pointless mundane and repetitive living, I'm quite literally being driven insane. I don't know of any way out, I fantasize about death. Death is the most fascinating thing to me, it's immensely intriguing. I'm almost so curious about what happens that I'd like to put a bullet in my head to find out. The only thing that really stops me is the idea, "Well, everybody dies, it's just a matter of time. I just have to wait my turn, it will all be over eventually." This is why I keep going, not such a great reason huh? Purposeless. I'm living for the sake of just living. But it's not just living, no, no it's not. I have to endure great pain everyday. I guess, I feel so many different types of pain, it's become hard to differentiate the different types and how they fluctuate. Loneliness, Rage, Depression, Sadness, Hopelessness, Despair, Fear, Anxiety, on and on. Then there's the boredom. Mind numbing boredom. I'm just fucking trapped, with absolutely nothing to do, powerless and out of control. No motivation to do anything, no real need to do anything.
I could tell you my story, I could tell you my daily tasks, my ongoing tribulations. But I've already done that, I'm already doing that, and I will continue to do so. But over the last year, nothing and nobody has helped. I've tried, with only pain gained. Every time I try, I fail. The most frustrating is trying to connect with people. My therapist says I do connect, but then why do I feel disconnected from everyone? Why do I feel so fucking lonely all the fucking time? I thirst for love, but nothing can seem to quench my never ending thirst for it. I never get to feel it, not even when I get it. I know people "love" me, but I don't "feel" loved. What do I do when even when I succeed I feel like a failure? It's impossible for me.
I'm in so much pain guys, I don't know what to do. Nothing I do seems to help it go away. I want to rip apart the walls, I want to cry buckets of tears, I just want to lash out. I feel so horrible it hurts physically, my whole body. I'll get in a mood where I want to do nothing, absolutely nothing, because nothing sounds good. I don't want to eat, I don't care to move, I just don't want to do anything. I can't stand it.
And the worst thing about this whole thread is the insanity. I've written this all before, in different words, always expecting something to happen. But it never changes. So is it insane to even seek help? Does that make me insane to expect to be helped? Is it insane for me to think I'll get better?
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein