Hey guys --

Just shot off a PM to some of my MS besties, but I guess this is the best place to post.

I had my first heart attack about 48 hours ago. It hadn't been a particularly strenuous day - though, as many of you know, the loss of my feline companion of 16 years has really weighed heavily on me since mid-month.

I had pain inside my left arm that got worse during the day, including the armpit. I lay down for a couple hours and it was worse, almost unbearable, including bad lower jaw pain. When I started to feel lightheaded and break into a cold sweat I called 911.

At the hospital yesterday they put in two stents. I was released today. I've still a list of meds to decipher. I'm just getting used to being back home. I'm not supposed to lift. No lawn (my love) for at least a month.

Friends (and clients) are supportive, but I'm scared shitless. In my 50s, biological mother's side has this. For those of you who don't know, I'm also an HIV survivor of 21 years who started on new meds seven months ago that have changed my life. So, just as I'm getting my life back, I feel like my body has betrayed me. I know this is still too damn fresh and, at the moment, I simply need to lay down for a while. Hell, I've been on my back for two days anyway.

Except for 40 years of smoking, I have other healthy things going on...my diet, I like working outside, and because of the HIV I've learned to jettison stressors. But, dammit, right now I'm more scared than I ever have been. Scared isn't the right word. I want more life. I'm not ready to die. Particularly this year, I've really started to enjoy my life again.

...and I'm rambling.