I have been struggling lately with a lot of inner turmoil around my inner children. I have done a lot of journaling lately and I realize that there are so many aspects of me as a child at different stages of my life and different stages of the abuse. To simplify, I can say I have three broad parts to my inner child:
- The child before the abuse.
- The child during the abuse.
- The child after the abuse.
I have no issues with the first inner child. But lately, I have been tapping into a lot of internal anger toward the last two. The one who suffered the abuse, and the one who existed after the abuse. The one during the abuse, he was a physically fit little gymnast who loved physical activity. There is a lot of anger toward him because he didnít tell, he went along with it, he acted so sexually disgusting with the multiple perps. He was 7-9.
The one after the abuse just disintegrated. He gained lots of weight, retreated from the world, wet his bed, and was depressed and basically shell-shocked. There is a lot of anger about this inner child for letting himself go, for giving up on his dreams to be a gymnast, for letting the bad guys win, for starting a cycle that I still struggle with to this day. He was me from 10-13.
I know rationally and intellectually it was not their fault. I have good moments with these inner child aspects of myself. But man, lately I have been tapping into these deep wells of anger toward these parts of myself. Sometimes it feels like they are just at war with each other and one blames the other for how the other one reacted. And then I add adult anger and regret to that pile and we are talking about a firefight between three heavily armed factions. The machine guns have just been firing non-stop. And I just feel this sense of overwhelming anger and deep despair about it all.
I just posted in another post about how both of the main abusers in my life, my biological father and my gymnastics coach were basically like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One moment they were kind and loving and I was the most special thing in the world, the next I am a piece of trash in the gutter when they abused me. Is this what they call internalizing the abuser? Have I internalized that kind of behavior to myself or parts of myself?
As I said above, when I am focused and feeling centered, I realize that these inner kids are the real source of my strength, and the true heroes that survived the monsters. But, then where does the rage at them come from, and how do I deal with that?
Sorry, if this post is really confusing. I guess I feel confused. Has anyone else encountered this type of anger? Or done any kind of inner child work to address these issues? If so, I would be grateful if you could share how you may have approached or resolved this.