I think Jude has already touched on what I was going to say.
During adolescence, everybody seems to awkwardly fumble around the whole notion of sex--what constitutes sex, what kind of overtures are acceptable, what feelings are normal...etc. After what happened to me I was paradoxically afraid of the opposite sex. I was confused by the experience and confounded by what girls really wanted from me-if anything.
The virtuous creatures moved in great giggling packs casting imperious glances toward the boys at their feet. Amazingly so many of the boys played along with the ancient co-mingling of testosterone and estrogen. I just didn't get the whole game of trying to impress these girls. To be sure all of them weren't like that, but I couldn't see it at the time. Though the girls held the upper hand in early adolescence, I just couldn't see them as sexual beings. I certainly was sexual and I felt like a dirty interloper in their pristine world. Locker room talk aside, they were mysterious, alluring and scary to me. The whorish come hither looks never squared with the Madonna I discovered when I got closer.
What cleared things up for me was time and maturity---theirs and mine. In college I finally encountered girls (women?) who were confident enough sexually to take the lead to draw me in. It worked. Beautiful women could be confident, virtuous and all-out sexual beings. I needed and finally received that extra assurance that I wasn't the creepy perp making all the moves just to get sex. She was a willing 50/50 partner. The best news is that I've been married to one of these women for ten years. She's my rock in all of this.
Edited by Suwanee (08/09/13 07:51 AM)
"His voice rose under the black smoke before the burning wreckage of the island; and infected by that emotion, the other little boys began to shake and sob too. And in the middle of them....Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart…”. -----William Golding