I think a lot of good points are being brought up.
In the beginning H made me feel strong and beautiful. He pushed me to tackle my fears. He is the reason I got us into rock climbing. I'm terrified of heights.
He made me want to strive to be better. I assumed that because he was always pushing to conquer my fears that he would want to conquer his own. Making assumptions was my mistake.
I think we often are attracted to those who have a different set of strengths than our own. I'm very open and transparent. I've always known who I am and accepted it since I was a child.
When H looks and me and tells me he doesn't know who he is it's hard for me to understand and grasp. It's hard for me to understand why he doesn't want to figure it out asap!
Sometimes I feel like he is jealous of my how self aware I am. I say this because in the beginning it was something he praised me for. But once he knew I could see that he was struggling he became more and more defensive and biting.
Yes there are still good things I am getting out of my relationship. I think all of this had made me more compassionate and helped me learn to separate my worth from those around me.
I think he believes that he is doing his best most of the time, and that is all I can ask of him. I struggle when I expect him to have the same strengths that I do and be able to act like someone who has healed from their CSA, but he hasn't.
I need to learn to worry about myself and my behavior I am getting much better at this. The pain is not a sharp and life is looking better. Even if the only thing that has changed is my attitude I'm okay with that, it's the only things that is mine to control.
Everything comes from within