This post was helpful to a family member so I decided to post it here in case other spouses might benefit from it. Its just my own experience but might shed some light.

Sometimes the drive to be manly is based on fear and survival (rather than on a love of self and others)

*I will be abused until I become a man.
*I will never satisfy a woman if I don't become a man.
*There's no 'man' in me. TERROR.
*My mom (GOD) will reject me too, like she did my dad, if I don't become a man. How many of our mom's ruled the roost?

When the drive to be manly is fear based, I think we are VERY SUSCEPTIBLE to the appeal of shortcuts.

Cannibalism of the masculinity of other men, for instance, via sexual obsession. Crotch watching, ENVY, Never ending stack of internet pics, seduction, and serial sex. whatever. Hell, even an obsession with sports.

That's why for many of us, the SSA feels so TOXIC.

It has nothing to do with love.

Its not about filling a love need at all.

Its about avoiding the TERROR of not measuring up.

Its about desperately trying to absorb the masculinity I don't see in myself (as a 6 year old or whatever).

But surprise.

The masculinity IS there. In spades. In ME.

Its not about hair, big dicks, deep voices, broad shoulders, cut muscles, "attitude", and sex appeal.

Its about the pleasure of being human, of sharing, and of protecting/nurturing what is good with our very lives. That's what turns a good woman on. That's what the children of the world need to see. That's being a man.

I looked to men, because I wanted to absorb what I thought my mom wanted (as exemplified by the men who came and went). But it turned out what she wanted was Bullshit. They were all users. Bit her and all of us in the ass.

Fuck if i'm gonna spend the rest of my life trying to emulate her twisted notion of manhood: the puffed up sexy user.

So in this day. I see the man in me, the one who is still growing. The one I left behind when I decided take that huge shortcut to nowhere. The one I greet with a gleam in my eye knowing I can't fail because I will always be ME. No matter what shit I might fall for in the future, the real man in me ain't going NOWHERE.

And He's a damn good friend (and lover I suspect).

Welcome home again, Michael. You were SORELY MISSED!

What kind of man were you driven to become, only to find it to be an empty mess?

Edited by GoldStone (08/04/13 01:33 AM)