I had posted a few weeks ago about my live in boyfriend, also survivor who is 1500 miles away for work. He's been gone for almost 3 months and previously when he has returned to our hometown we would text/call daily to keep up with each others life etc. Since our conversation a week or so ago when I basically said I needed more and was moving on we have decided to work things out when he returns home in the next few months, however communication has gotten even worse. He was distant before which is why I debated leaving, but he would still at least text me a few times a day. Now he barely texts, but he will always respond to "I love you"'s.
I am so confused because I have been reading "Allies in Healing" and it says that when you force someone to get help and worry about there needs you are doing the wrong thing and instead need to back off and worry about your own. I sometimes feel like maybe I am making up excuses for his behavior and blaming it on the fact he is a survivor instead of realizing he doesn't want to be with me. I than realize I gave him an out and he said he would work on this, so why so many mixed messages.
Has anyone else had someone they love who they know loves them back suddenly become completely withdrawn? He told me he was a survivor towards the beginning of our relationship yet we hadn't talked about it until recently when he became depressed and I said he should probably get help for it. After he left for home to work he continued being distant and I just pushed further for him to see someone and wrote emails and texts and had conversations trying to get him to realize he needed to release this secret and anger and work through it. He always says no, but agrees we can't have children until he does and he said he would.
I feel mad he doesn't just send a text good morning or good night like we used to do because it takes two seconds, but I don't think he understands why that matters to me. I think I caused this between us by bringing everything up and not even being there in person so I could be there for him?
I have an appointment on Monday with a therapist so hopefully he will help me focus on myself. I've been the center of my boyfriends focus for so long and I've been his support system that now it feels like we have nothing when he pulls away, especially with 1500 miles in between us. I am 28 year old so I'm not a child and I am not just casually dating him, I am looking to spend my life with him as he is with me, but if this is going to be my life it is going to destroy me. I feel SO alone and so emotionally unstable. I used to be so confident now I worry all the time that he is moving on etc. Not because I am not wonderful, because I am, but because I fear if I give him space he will run away from his problems and do something that will ruin the relationship.
I'm going home in two weeks to see him and I am hoping to talk, but I am not sure he is in a place to do that. Instead I think I just need to rekindle our physical bond which has been our glue. Even for a survivor he is the most affectionate and loving man I have ever met, but he hasn't shown it from a distance or been able to express any feelings like he used to. He said that he struggled with even writing something in my birthday card so instead never sent it until I told him he didn't need to force it. This is all so unlike him. Just 6 months ago he was sappy and emotional and writing sweet things in a memory journal etc. I'm so lost and confused. Is this common for survivors even someone who isn't getting help? He thinks he is afraid of the commitment, yet he moved 1500 miles away with me and we share a house and he pays for half the bills even though he isn't here right now, etc. I am not asking him to marry me right now. I still need to finish grad school. I feel like I could just talk for hours. I wish there was a support group around the pan handle of Florida. Something so that I don't go crazy.
Edited by PookieMarie (08/02/13 11:12 AM)