Thanks. I had a bad night and morning. I had nightmares and a flashback about the boy and being in the cellar with him and the perp. It feels so real and that is why I am having so much trouble putting it away. I currently live in a place that I am taunted about the abuse and acting out during fugues, etc. I know this does not help, it adds to the emotional stress level. Today I am wiped out, feeling unfocused and somewhat lost. I am counting time to help keep me in the present.

I have been thinking hard about the boy I cannot remember, because I remember the older boy so vividly. I even remember when he died (it was either drugs or suicide) my parents went up to his parents at church to say they were sorry. I can see his father, tall grey hair and big glasses, he asked if I knew his son. I said yes but I was still hurt and confused believing his son did harm to me in the cellar and only after visiting the place of the abuse recently did I realize he was being used and controlled by the abuser. I wish I could have told his parents because it may have helped them understand his death. They probably never knew and I regret I did not give them information that may have given them comfort. The other boy is there and I am having trouble putting him away. I have worked hard on healing and always begin to think the memories will stop and new memories have stopped for several months until this one.I am going to try to take your advise and not focus on it, and maybe I will begin to understand who this boy is and why he is in the cellar.

Your second to last sentence hit me. Maybe this is the trauma I have yet to accept and I am not yet ready to face it.

Edited by KMCINVA (07/20/13 04:47 PM)