just by writing that out, posting it publicly, and then going back to it later, you will be answering your own questions.

i was so-called "chaos addicted".

i did not want to build anything that could be destroyed,
and if i did build it, i was going to be the one that destroyed it before anyone else could.

every time things were going well, i got bored and scared.
i always felt that the next disaster catastrophe was hiding just around the corner, waiting to wipe me out unaware.
the suspense and suspicion would drive me nuts.
plus, i could not handle ruts, routines, or rituals that did not require me to think fast and move quick, with life or death consequences.
somehow i preferred battle over boredom.
and rather than sitting around, waiting for the sucker punch sneak attack, i would go out looking for a fist fight with fate.
it was always "me against the universe".

this led to me to risky and dangerous actions and situations, like a moth to the flame.