It has been about a year now, I believe, since I first encountered this site. I have grown so much. There are times I have been so weary; but those are times I have learned to just rest. I really love my life...I love what I have been given. I have experienced a great deal of pain in my life. On top of some sexual perversions I went through and am now learning to be free from, verbal abuse and criticisms of my person were possibly even more crippling. It is all one package though...all these things work to weaken "me" and my enjoyment of life. I often feel my OCD issues along with another medical condition I struggle with made things even more easy for me to be a target, but I don't care anymore. I realize I did not make the choice to hurt another; that was done to me. I realize I can be empowered by walking away from the pain, rather than embracing it.
I don't by any means employ this is an easy thing to do. I feel at times I need to use crutches yet to make it through my day. This still has impacts on how I respond to those close to me, and presents challenges for me in my professional career.
BUT, there is hope.
I remember the saint who was sent to help me. She is a blessing forever to me. She embraced me, because she knew how to embrace someone who has gone through the same turmoil. She never gave up on reinforcing to me EMPOWERMENT. She taught me that I am special...and that those who inflicted this pain upon me have their own pain. It is that pain that helps me console myself and have understanding even for those who betrayed me because they have a need. I don't excuse what they did, but I now look to see them through their pain rather that the pain they gave me. This has freed me a lot. I feel as though I am almost ready to run a marathon, literally. The breath I breathe is fresh and not stagnant. I no longer only linger in the mire and sit as a watcher of others. I embrace now my dreams and not only dream but am living my dreams. I see potential, not failure. I tell myself I can and I am important. I matter as much as anyone else and this world would be less special without me. I make an important difference for many and without me they would feel loss.
I did not speak this way a year ago. I am so excited to see what I will be yet even another year from now.
I am almost done with my 4 year BA in Technical Management. I am grateful for MS and will continue to visit and be a part of what goes on here. This brings me strength and renewal...and is a very important part of even why I feel I can finish my schooling.
-Love is love when it is free; love is love when others don't feed on you as a "need". If we reach one person with betterment, and in turn that one reaches another, what power we have to change the world."