The numbness has dissipated and once again the emotions have returned regarding this dirty little (BIG) secret. I am back, after a two week hiatus of therapy, avoiding the use of the term rape. I just realized that. Thats what happens if support is pulled before you are ready, I suppose.
I talked a lot today. All 50 yrs of it. But I will just focus on the ASA here. The T asked me to describe for him the event. The rape. No one had asked that before. I stumbled and faltered. I described the room, the pull out sofa bed. I explained how I had been awakened and how he had knee crawled onto the bed and into my face. The T wanted specifics, like clothed, unclothed... he wanted to know how it ended... he just wanted specifics.
First, it was really difficult to step back in time to that room on that afternoon. More than difficult. And then to draw the visual back into my conscious was not what I needed to do. All of my walls have fallen. The dissociation ended and it became real again.
Second, I could recall being awakened by entrance into the room. And by his approach around the end of the bed and onto the bed. But I couldn't remember specifics after that. Pants up, down, unzipped, totally nude. Shirt on, off, unbuttoned. I can't remember how he was dressed.
Third, the T asked how it ended. I don't even remember how it ended. Did it end inside me? ... on me?... on him?.... or maybe it didn't end with an ejaculation. I just can't remember. And that disturbs me greatly.
I was and am pretty upset by today's session. I know the T guy needed to know, but having to relive it and describe it was emotional. It was embarrassing. It caused me to feel less than human. I had to admit that I was an object again. I had to admit that I didn't say no. That I didn't resist. That even through the drugs and the pain, I thought I had to do the deed because his dick was in my face and entering my mouth.... that is what I had been conditioned to do.
I still can't believe I can clearly remember the beginning but nothing after the entry into my body. I am left to wonder if I went into that dissociative state or did I just fade away because of the drugs? Doesn't really matter. I remember rising from the bed and making my way to the bathroom to wash when it was over. And that's it.
We did agree on one thing. Because there was no resistance on my part which I freely admit, I had to hear him say that I was violated... He had to say I was sexually assaulted. I wanted his opinion. I needed the validation.
He responded with something to the effect that it didn't matter what anyone thought, if I felt violated, I was violated. I appreciated that comment. He then went on to say that, yes, in his professional opinion I had been sexually assaulted. Its actually the first time he has said that. So, here I am, back in the saddle and full of emotion again. But it was and is really hard.
Got a hand- up... I could surely use one tonight... and if I get embarrassed or feel threatened by my thoughts and delete, be not concerned or upset. It's just that obsessiveness taking over.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.