This is my first "new post." I am in very sad and vulnerable state,
I am finally willing to believe that this is progress in the journey of recovery. I have felt that the attraction of various behaviors which help me numb out clearly demonstrated the continuing destructive patterns of my reaction to the abuse. Gambling, watching porn masturbating, rocking, scratching till I bleed, playing solitaire on the computer are all obsessive reactions. I know that these are less damaging than drinking to a black out or cutting or burning myself. Still these obsessive behaviors are still indications of attempts at self medication.
But, I can no longer use anger to feel invulnerable or being shut down. It does no longer provide me with the concentration which eliminates all emotions. When I cry and feel sad I often have thoughts and memories of my experiences of abuse.
Knowing what my mother did when she had me undress for the photographer to take pictures, included pictures of me naked with an erection. This was not only incest at the hands of my mother, it was not only pornographic, it effected my emotional balance. I felt used, fearful, vulnerable and discounted, That I was simply an extension of my mother's exploration of her own power and sexuality projected on me as a narsisist extension of herself.
My mother, asking me when I told her of my rape at the hands of her friend, did I enjoy being penetrated. I answered no it hurt. Her response was then I was O K. The discounting of my existance, the denigration of my right to my own sexual experience (if it had been pleasurable I would not been O K). But my emotional response was really centered around my sense of prostituting myself to accomodate my mother's expectations. The terror of the false empowerment that, if I had no control, I would be suffocated in the next oral sodomy experience. The disregard of the months of abuse (February to August) reduced to a single act is demeaning.
The idea that the other abusers, physical (my older brother and my father), sexual (my older brother and her business partner),or emotional (my mother and father) were issues I could bring up for sympathy or help were crushed.
My acceptance that emotions not that I expressed, but that I felt are now open to me. The elimination of psychotic delusions which permitted me to perceive my experiences as normal and acceptable, that I was not severely abused because it didn't include broken bones (of course my broken nose wasn't counted - it was cartilage). Being pushed down to be fucked in the mouth with my mother just up stairs and having sent her friend (a latent homosexual) down stairs to see me, was just another expectation for my mother for me to perform. My sense of my value being dependent on complying with my mother's expectations, was a desperate effort to find any source of acceptance and "love."
Now that I will have to learn to live with the overwhelming emotions that I denied for about 50 years, I am very sad. I cry for at least an hour or two every day. But this is a necessary part of my journey journey to recover from the terrors of my sexual experiences from age 10 to 15.
My T assures me this is an indication of improved mental health.
Thank you for letting me share my progress.