Hey Megallan,
Man, I can definitely identify with how you are feeling. Severe sexual abuse in my childhood, divorced parents and an emotionally unavailable mother was my foundation. I felt great anxiety towards older boys and men. When I became aware of my sexual attractions towards other males, my anxieties increased exponentially. I spent the rest of my life orchastrating relationships which were profoundly superficial. I never held a job for more than 2 yrs. and never maintained relationships. I felt like a shadow in the lives of others and a bystander in my own life.

My one feeling of connectedness, strength, sense of well-being and aliveness came from anonymous sex. I was a walking heap of misery.

Then last year, I joined sexaholics anonymous. Though usually the only gay guy in the room, I learned to make real connections with other males through working the 12 step program. I felt part of the herd for the first time in my life. My life has changed dramatically. I did just quit this little job I had, but I am working on maintaining a steady-as-she-goes interior life.

I hope you can find the same connectness with others and inner peace. We are just not made for feeling badly 24/7.

I don't know of any differences between SSA and being gay. Until I read your post I thought they were one and the same thing. Maybe your T can help you there.