After giving in to my psych and taking a perception for an SSRI and Ativan I feel that they are helping me immensely. I no longer want to kill myself.

Moving back out of my family home. That place has too many memories and my mom is a incredibly negative person. Most importantly once I am back in the city I can regularly see my therapist, my friends and take part in different community groups around: yoga, meditation, board gaming. The isolation was killing me and my savings.

Most importantly was a change in perspective my counselor brought forward. I always felt that the outer me who had interests, self respect and was a useful person was a fake. The true inner me was this self hating me that knew I deserved my abuse and that I deserved more abuse. That I was useless and stupid, the most I could hope to accomplish was to become an object for someone else to use and abuse.

My counselor brought forward an analogy that I felt more reflected my experience and offered a model in which I could try to improve myself. It offered hope. His analogy is that there are two people in me. The one who knows that I have a right to my own body and deserve respect and then the other one. Neither are the true me. But my actions and thought patterns will feed one or the other. If I feed one and starve the other that one can become the true me. So basically if I facilitate positive thought and action I can become a more positive person.

Feel free to PM me. I am new here and would like more people to talk to.
“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”
-Charles Bukowski