over the past several days, something has been bothering me. it took little time to identify what it was. When I was five and six, I used to always end up at the bottom of the pool when my family went on vacation. seems it never failed i'd be under either on the way to dinner or when we got back. just walk over and step off the deep end.

I never knew why I did that, until just the other day. after my father started molesting me, it was a subconscious act. I was so disgusted with what was going on that apparently I was trying to kill myself.

the connection was a hard pill to swallow. and I still have not completed processing the notion. BUT, and this is the best part, I realized just today that I've been thinking back on all the horrible things and ways I acted out and I actually felt Grief for that little boy. I felt sorry that he had to go through it.

Now, I believe having the grief and sorrow emotions is a major break through for me. for the first time I am beginning to separate me from him. what happened to that little boy has certainly put major shape to the man I am today. but at the same time, i'm moving away from being defined by an unknown factor. i'm finding ways to be defined my a whole new me.

for example, I've had a book idea bouncing around in my head for at least 20 years. I've started it and stopped it so many times I've lost count. a month ago, the book found a voice and i'm madly cranking it out.

I see to be getting over being stuck. that too is a HUGE thing for me. Before my memories surfaced, I ALWAYS got stuck and couldn't ever finish anything. i'm beginning to breathe and enjoy bringing in the air.
If you can't take a joke, you need a nap. Me.