It's been awhile. I have been going to therapy and trying to work on me. All the while, everything is smooth sailing if the elephant in the room is not discussed. I feel like I am dying inside every single day. Eventually there will be nothing but a shell and a face walking around. I can have surface fun with my husband. We can go to the movies, the beach, the garden, hang out, hike, or whatever. We can even have sex.........and it's really good. But all that is just surface. Nothing is getting resolved. He won't discuss his feelings. He doesn't offer any support to me when I am in pain. I am a very verbal person and I only bring stuff up every few weeks or so, because it always ends the same. Last time we talked he said he doesn't like to communicate because he feels judged. I have always encouraged him and empathized with him. My therapists says my husband is a good "deflector" He constantly avoids talking by turning it around on me. I don't even know who this man is anymore? Why am I still here. I have got to be the biggest fucking idiot on the planet. Tonight I asked him what it is I do that makes him feel judged? His response was, I told you that 2 weeks ago, why are you just asking me now? AGAIN NOTHING! Nothing nothing! I want my man back. What the fuck is happening? Who is this person that I don't even know anymore. I have lived in fucking HELL for 2.5 years now! I seriously have to be the biggest idiot on the planet for still having hope? Why do I still have hope????????????? This pain is unreal!