My name is Aiden and I'm new to this. I'm having a tough time figuring everything out on this site. Hopefully I'm doing everything right. If I'm not, I apologize. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed at times.
I'm terrified and extremely confused. I would cherish any possible advice, input and opinions. Sorry if there is too much detail...thats just how I've always told stories (I'm a writer...although I only write car reviews...a writer nevertheless lol). But I think maybe the term ***TRIGGER*** might apply to this? I'm not sure, I'm sorry. Just proceed with caution...some of this may be considered graphic, I guess.
I'll start at the beginning...
My biological father raped and molested me (allegedly up to 2,600 separate occasions) before my 5th birthday. My mother was absent during that time. She had gone into the military shortly after I was born and was stationed overseas. I stayed exclusively with my father. One day my grandmother came to see me. My father wasn't home and I was being watched by a babysitter whom my Granny sent home so she could spend time with me. She found bruises on my arms and a large bruise that resembled a hand on my back. And when she tried talking to me about it (4 years old at the time) I started crying and screaming saying that my dad would get taken away. She took me to the doctor and DNA evidence was found that it was my father that had been raping me. He was put in prison for 11 years.
Growing up, starting almost immediately after he was sent to prison, my nights were plagued with nightmares of being beaten up by my father. It wasn't until I was 11 or 12 that I realized I wasn't being beaten up, I was being raped. It was horrifying and even more horrifying once I realized it wasn't just violence but sexual violence. Although, I had no conscious memories of what he had done to me.
When I was 14 years old the nightmares slowly subsided and were replaced with very pleasurable and oddly comforting dreams of consensual sexual encounters with my father. After a few weeks of constant dreaming, which I greatly enjoyed on many levels, I suddenly began to think about how disturbing and disgusting the dreams were. I started feeling really dirty and scared. I didn't want to dream them anymore but I couldn't stop. So I stopped sleeping. I stayed awake for 9 consecutive days and ended up having to be hospitalized where they induced sleep. After that, the dreams became rather rare. I could handle the occasional dream. It wasn't overwhelming and I didn't feel as disgusting since it wasn't happening nightly.
Six months ago, out of the blue, my father contacted me. He had been given my phone number by my uncle (his brother). I was terrified. I had been suppressing everything as best as I could for such a long time. After all, honestly dealing with things is so much harder than pretending there is no problem. We slowly started talking over the phone and in texts but to date I have been far too scared to meet him in person. He has denied the fact that he ever sexually abused me (which, if you recall, was medically proven). I accepted his denial and we proceeded to fall into this sick relationship that quickly progressed from a seemingly father/son bond to a very strong romantic/sexual love.
Now I'm bombarded by never-ending thoughts of him both romantic and sexual. I've never wanted someone so badly in my entire life. And this love I feel, this IN-love feeling, feels so real. That butterfly-in-the-tummy feeling that normally accompanies a healthy love or crush is there every time I see his name pop up on my phone. I can't help but smile when I read his texts, which are so loving and supportive (two things I've always craved but were always without). Nothing has ever felt so real and so right, while feeling so deceptive and so wrong. My life has become a nightmare of confliction and I never knew it was possible to feel so lost.
Now he is beginning to be more and more apparent with his intentions. Especially today as he has been emailing me, texting me, and leaving voicemails...none of which I have responded to, even though I'm dying to. He was trying to talk me into meeting him at a hotel. I justified the suggestion because I suffer from extreme anxiety in social settings. He said it would give us privacy to talk and relax, have a few drinks and just spend time bonding. He has since hinted that we would "have a lot of fun" there and he would "show" me how much he loves me. Its all so confusing. Such a huge part of me wants to see him, and much more.
Its humiliating. I hate myself. Every time I fall asleep I hope I don't wake up. I feel like such a disgusting pervert. It's just so hard. For so long I've felt like I don't deserve to be loved. Between ages 14 - 23 I filled the void with massive amounts of promiscuous sex with any man who would have me and craved the acting out of rape fantasies. Now that I'm 27 I barely leave my home. I never see anyone, accept my boyfriend of 5 years who lives with me. I'm scared to go further than my front yard and I hate being seen. I feel like every person who looks at me can see the incestual desire on me like its a billboard nailed to my chest. And I've lost one of my jobs, my main source of income. This is ruining my life.
I have my first appointment with a therapist next week. I'm not looking forward to talking about this to someone face to face but I think (and hope) that it can help in some way. I'm just tired of feeling so disgusting and undeserving of life.
Again, I apologize if I'm doing this wrong, if I used too much detail and if I missed any typos or spelling errors. I hope this makes sense to some of you. A few of you have been very helpful so far and I thank you so much for everything.
Edited by Confuzzed (06/09/13 12:54 PM)
-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-