So after reading the past month on MS ways to approach my husband in a non-threatening, constructive manner for him to move forward with getting help with regards to his CSA and the way it is affecting our marriage, not to mention my own self of sense, and I finally did. I was very cautious as to not shame him, embarrass him, etc while doing so - but wanted to let him know this is something on my mind that we need to deal with. His response was part of what I call the 'blame game' - his evasiveness, lack of intimacy, the avoidance dance - it was apparently due to ME! He claimed that since I haven't been forth coming with his fantasies, i.e. anal sex in a manner which I feel demeaned (after researching on the MS site I've learned that these 'fantasies' are actually him reenacting the abuse) as well as other things (he purchased a sex machine for his bday 2 years ago which was for me to use at his discretion - I felt more like a sex slave than wife). When I finally give into what I refer to as him performing anal rape on me, I cry during the process but try to cover my tears, I repeatedly tell myself I hate him, and vow that in order to set a strong example for my daughter I will not allow him to do this to me again.
But back to the night I approached him to get help. He claims he's already sought help for his CSA in the past and has dealt with it. I know he's mentioned it to a couple of T's we've been to in the past, but I don't believe they were trained in dealing with male CSA and did not properly address the issue. He then in turn claims that it is due to my smoking weed (stopped after that just to prove him wrong - I need all the aces I can get to 'prove' him that he plays a role in this, and my weed smoking is to numb me from the pain) and once again, my lack of interest in fulfilling his fantasies.
When I try to get into how it makes me feel when he does these things, he refers to how everyone in porn does it and there are 'so many people out there just like us doing this sort of thing all the time'. I tried explaining that most of the people in porn come from troubled backgrounds including abuse, etc., but he doesn't want to hear that.
He's lost touch with reality of what it's like to connect with someone on a intimate level - he feels the anal sex and demeaning sex IS intimate because according to him, these a things that he would only do with me, his wife. I'm so tired of having to derail all of his excuses.
So yesterday, 2 weeks after I first brought this up to him, I sent him an email saying the following:
"I love you and want you to be happy. I see pain and sadness behind the face even during the happy moments; I've tried to break down the wall in the only ways I know how but see that it's not a battle I can fight for you. I want to be able to take that barrier away so you can feel the entirety of what I have to offer and provide for you, but that's not in my control. I don't want to be a contributor to the problem, so I ask myself what is necessary to be happy. I don't know if I am part of the source of this; I know previous actions of mine have lead us down a path of mistrust and since then I've been determined to live as honestly as I can, for myself, for you, and for our kids. Like I said, I don't know if I am a part of the source of this but I can't continue to question if I am. I don't know if this means you take a break from me to figure all of this out; this isn't what I want but when you love someone you do whatever possible to achieve a better outcome. I love you and please know that my goal is to see you being set free of whatever pain you carry with you, and I'm willing to do my part."
He didn't reply, so I just sent him a follow up email saying "I need a response to the email I sent to you and understand if you are formulating one, but please don't ignore it."
So his reply? (I want to throw this iPad at the wall and scream)....
"I have been really busy and can't keep up. Not delaying getting back to you just did not know what to say....caught me by surprise a bit. You are correct that I'm not in a super. Good mood...which we can talk about again tonight if you would like to...nothing we can't get over...same stuff that was on my mind during our last talk....I guess I don't feel those few requests have been happening and other/same shit still bringing me down."
So again, I feel that he is redirecting all of his feelings at me, and I'm just exhausted at having to go through this song and dance again. Any advice from spouses/partners/survivors as to how to get him to stop pointing the finger at me and for him to take a look in the mirror to see what he's contributing to the problem?