Hi focused,

I have seen your post.

What you suggest has been difficult for me precisely because of how my mind works. If I experiment and find that I like it, I will want to continuously question whether or not I really liked it, and that will make closure difficult. If I don't like it, the same thing will happen where I will have to repeat the experience multiple times to "make sure" I didn't like it.

The very idea of this is extremely unsettling to me though. I realize that with porn, you are looking at people and not pixels, but when I try to imagine myself doing anything with a man or think about watching gay porn, I feel terrible, like I am victimizing myself and re-living my trauma, but this time at my own hands instead of at my abusers. I am also disgusted and ashamed by what happened to me back then, and I have no desire to place myself in that situation again. It literally feels like my entire insides are on fire, and it hurts.

I am posting a paragraph from this website here that contains some potentially useful info: http://www.ocdla.com/blog/sexual-orientation-ocd-hocd-sub-types-treatment-1198

"(Really) Need-To-Know HOCD

These are people who identify as heterosexual but have been struggling with untreated (or mistreated) HOCD to such an extent that they have gone from mental checking, to physical checking, to actual experimental checking. This is somewhat rare and I would imagine some people might read this and say, “OK, let’s just call it gay then,” but that’s not what is happening here. People who suffer from OCD, regardless of the manifestation, are struggling against an intolerance for uncertainty. People without OCD largely tolerate uncertainty by not paying much attention to it.

For any reader who does not have OCD, try thinking really hard about the fact that you are not 100% certain what will happen when you die. Now imagine that all of the people you love will consider you hugely irresponsible for not attaining certainty on the issue. This is how an OCD sufferer often feels. Not only do they poorly estimate the risk posed by unwanted thoughts and feelings, but they have an exaggerated sense of responsibility for avoiding these risks.

Ultimately, for some HOCD sufferers, being gay may sound like a relief from not knowing for sure that they are straight. So they begin to build a case for gayness. This may involve seeking treatment from LGBT specialists, trying to train themselves to enjoy gay pornography and sometimes engaging in sexual experimentation. The goal is not necessarily to like gay sex, but to determine once and for all – “am I gay or straight?”.

Typically this backfires in one of two ways. Either the person finds the experience somewhat satisfactory but not preferential to straight sex, or they find the experience abhorrent and resent themselves for having done it. In either case, they are left with the same uncertainty they find intolerable, plus more ammunition for the OCD. Just as in the other forms of HOCD, the objective has to be tolerance for not-knowing rather than proof.

These are the various subtypes and angles on HOCD that we have treated thus far, but there are certainly others. In the next installment of this series, we will examine some additional nuances to HOCD and common impediments to effective treatment."

Edited by AndyS87 (05/29/13 01:16 PM)