OK, here goes.
I'm 'Michael'. I'm a 40 something white American from a 'good' family. By good I mean, consciencious, educated, resourceful, and socially and economically responsible. But I had to put it in quotes because there is one thing I think my parents did not get right, and that is sex. I don't think they were exceptionally ignorant about it, but they erred on the side of permissiveness. They were both witnesses of CSA within their immediate families, I expect were 'scared silent' about it.
If I compare to other stories of abuse and parental neglect, I'm not really sure where I might "rank". While both my parents are still accessible to me, I do not engage with either of them very much at this point, even though they are both regarded by their peers as exemplary citizens and friends. Somehow I can't get over the fact that my sexuality exploded onto to the stage in early elementary school, and put me into a frame of mind where I could not be reached, nor could they be reached by me, and where I suppose I gave up on my parents altogether...all the while keeping up the appearance of being an affectionate, engaged, and fun loving child.
My sexual awakening was not forced upon me, but was introduced to me by an older brother and masturbation to climax became our thing from about age 6. A couple years later I initiated more passionate contact with a same age male cousin. There was never penetration in either case...but a kind of simulated frot and kissing. That continued up through high school a few times a year.
I know that for some readers, I might not qualify as an abuse survivor, but I do believe that this behavior is abhorrant and disorienting...even if not perpetrated directly by an adult. So I hope I qualify as a member here. Where my brother learned masturbation at age 8 is a mystery. He doesn't remember. But one of his teachers was fired for sticking his hand down the back of his pants; he was one among several children who reported him.
I am now married with a child, but am occassionally led by fantasies of consentual same gender intergenerational sexual contact (not attracted to children at all but to the idea of being sexual with an adult as a child), and same gender "proximity" fantasies. I sometimes go night after night with dreams of erect penises around my bed, rarely any contact, and rarely any faces to go with it. I know the man/boy fantasies would never actually be as enticing in real life as they seem to appear in my mind, but my deepest sexual pleasure does seem to be bound up in this kind of relationship. Additionally I always have phallic imagery, when I self-stimulate, ever since I can remember, but never fantasize about actual sex.
Here's the rub. Just being on this site triggers my problematic sexual appetite. I am faced with the possibility of making contact with other men in my situation and wanting to 'fall in love' with another guy.
I sought help for my homosexual urges in a flimsy online so-called christian group for ssa, but found myself unable to manage the deep water. Ultimately it came to my attention that the group itself was basically initiated as a cruising ground, a trap for ssa men. So the attention became overwhelming, and satisfying in all the wrong ways.
My concern with getting close to men here is I tend to think that any kind of attention from sexually broken males is just a front for sexual or romantic interest. Somehow it takes a lot for me to believe otherwise. This is very isolating. Conversely, I am skeptical about my commitment the healing of other men, as I have in the past eroticized otherwise friendly and noble relationships. I don't want to be a user.
For a decade in my 30s I had sexual contact with 100s of men, and had several long term relationships with men. I also did some sex work for money. I left that all behind in 2007 when I moved to Korea and got married. Those changes followed something of a spiritual awakening.
Sex with my wife is thankfully unmarred by strange imaginings. It is one of the most healing experiences at this point, so I try to pursue it regularly even though, from a distance, I don't consider it my 'sweet spot' sexually. I don't act out with men any more but when my family leaves the country for one or two months out of the year, all hell breaks lose online.
I feel like I don't want to let go of what seems like an inborn love of man parts, and manly love. But I am able to lay aside the acting out for up to a year at a time.
I failingly seek a replacement for my 'gay side' in religious and married life, somewhat halfheartedly.
I feel I can only be fully understood and appreciated by someone who shares my so-called orientation and circumstances, but i'm guarded about the nature of any connection with such a person. What if only person who might be able to touch me in my deepest places, will capture my heart and interest in a way that only complicates my circumstances? I both want that and fear it.
I guess I'll end it there. Its hard to know if I'm just a bisexual male giving myself way too much leeway because "at least its not another woman". I don't know if that is a question for this site, but I guess sexual confusion is par for the course around here.
Edited by GoldStone (08/28/13 06:49 AM)