I'm building myself up to having an intimate talk with this girl. One-to-one.

I'm going to wait a few days until after my last exam finishes. I can't get her out of my head. I've fallen for her. Sure this talk is going to brutal and probably crush me if Im rejected which is most likely.

I had 2 options. One was to try and just sleep with her. Which I think I could do quite easily as she seems to be in to the fake me which I project. Im charming funny (its all phony but I pull it off) and there is mutual attraction. But I feel so strongly for her that I don't want to just sleep with her. It's like if I sleep with her and that is it. Nothing more. That will really hurt as I'll be reminded of how I had the girl who I'm love struck on in my arms and then it was over so soon.

The other option was to remain fake and try to get her as my girlfriend but then just keep up the lies and not really think about a plan of how to be honest with her so just go with it and I really didn't like this option either. Im not going to elaborate much on this as I just hate the idea of living a lie with some one you want to connect with so closely.

So now I'm left with this situation of either 1) dont say anything and miss out or 2) have a talk with her.

Not saying anything would be so painful as it would mean another woman I missed out on due to fear of rejection/fear of being judged for my past. Im not going to allow that to happen. I'd rather deal with being pointblank face to face rejected.

So this talk Im going to have. Wow this is going to suck. Im a great speaker in public I guess I need to just decide what the exact approach is im going to go with. I'll feed off her responses. Im a quick thinker I've sort of got a few ideas in my head of how this could pan out differently.

The only problem is this talk could be quite long or it could be very short I'll see how she responds early on. Could be the easiest 2minutes or hardest 2 hours. Cant predict exactly how it is going to go.

I just know I need to do this. Like all the other shit things I've needed to do recently which hurt but are necessary. (Sit exams when so stressed out, police about csa, deal with no money and loads of debts phone calls re debt)

Before I talk to her Im going to have to delete all my public posts about her just incase she looks on here after I may tell her I use this site for support. I dont like the idea of deleting posts but I imagine after this talk she'll be confused, unsure, want more answers, not exactly know how she feels. So naturally if she looks on here sees me talk about her she might interpret it wrongly where as I know if i talk to her face to face I can be honest and as painful as opening my self up on something like csa I hope I can give her a correct image of me being on my recovery getting stronger and wanting to distant myself from past behavioural patterns. I can only try and then it is up to her.