Hi guys. I was having a conversation with Matt, (SoccerStar) a few weeks ago and something he said reminded me of something that happened to me in my early adulthood. So, thank you to Matt for making me think to post about this. Thanks Matt! smile

(Possible Triggers)

Many years ago I was at a party for a friend of mine that was graduating college. I think I was 23 or so. At the party there was some chick my buddy had met on the internet. Because I feel it would be disrespectful to use her real name on a public forum I'll simply refer to her as... "some skanky ho-bag."

Anyway, let's just say this chick was 100%, grade-A, Jerry Springer material. She was not attractive in the least and was kind of annoying to boot. She was heavy-set, a little younger than me, (19 I think), and was not the type of person I would normally ever have chosen to hang out or spend time with. That night I was stuck with her though and she zeroed in on me the second she got there.

So, I had been drinking and smoking weed with her and the other people at the party all night. After about 3:00 AM everyone started passing out and I took my spot on a mat on the living room floor. It was dark in the room at that point and there were about 7 or 8 other people in there with me, all passing out on the sofa and love seat and floor.

Not long after I had laid down, this bitch starts rubbing all over me and telling me she wants to fuck. Yeah, right there in the dark room with other people around. I told her I didn't have a condom and she said that didn't matter and that she could still make me feel good. In my normally way to passive fashion, I told her that I wouldn't be able to preform because I was to drunk and stoned instead of just telling the bitch "no." So, she then goes right past the stop signs I was giving her, takes my dick out of my pants and just goes to town.

I'm not exaggerating when I say she probably sucked me for 40-45 minutes before I just said, "Look, I'm sorry. I'm way to drunk for this. I need to pass out." She finally stopped. For that entire 45 minutes or whatever I tried as hard as I could to cum, just so she'd fucking stop and leave me alone but I couldn't. Partly because of CSA issues, partly because I was legitimately way to intoxicated, partly because there were other people in the room which made it even more awkward and partly because she was a disgusting cow.

The funny thing is, one of the other guys who had been in the room that night told me the next day that he thought what happened was to some extent sexual assault. I was totally taken aback by this becasue most young guys would have just been like, "Hellz yeah, you got your dick sucked! High five brah!" Not this guy though. He even brought up the gender double-standard. I'm paraphrasing but he said something to the effect of "Dude, you fucking told her 'no.' That was totally disrespectful of her. If some shit-faced chick told a dude no in that same situation and he went into her pants anyway everyone would have called it rape."

As an adult, I didn't really see it that way and still fail to but perhaps that's just because by then I was so used to being taken advantage of and so used to not having my boundaries respected that I was totally desensitized to it. Could that be what this was? Am I really that fucked up? Was this really a case of me essentially going.. "Yeah, I was totally sexually assulted last night but .... meh, whatever."? I don't know.

Anyway, just something I wanted to share with the rest of the group. This wasn't an event that I felt had a huge impact on my life or anything but perhaps it was a symptom of the patterns of letting others take advantage of me that were established in my childhood. Nothing like that happens anymore though, because now I don't ever put myself in situations where anything sexual could even possibly happen with another person. I stay the hell away and I keep myself safe. Alone, and safe. Take care all. Peace,