Hi Guys, so I am a Newbie sort of, been on the site before but because of not so positive experience I left. So here I am again, seeing about others experiences. As it is hard to relate to someone who has not had there life shaken up like a snow globe
Have been with a T for 8 years now and have been doing a lot of work which I notice now it has take sometime but I see the progress. Slowly but surely, honestly it stinks as life is going before my eyes and I am missing out in so much. Part of me wishes things like this didn't hit the press cause before that I feel my life was normal, granted I know I was hiding but still.
In the past few months, I have been making major changes. I am some what okay about my abuse to talk about it in little details. In regards to my abuse I grow up in a love less home with my egg donor(mother) who was physical and verbally abusive, she got pregnant as a teenager and always blamed me for creating a burden for her. Clearly today I see that you alienated me from my father with head games. Unfortunately he passed away young at 41 and I was only 22, he was a teen also when I was born. And, I was so angry with him when he was sick that we didn't have the best relationship when he passed away. I know today he just didn't have the information on how to be a father, nor how to push himself on me to be the father that he should have been to protect me. I have heard from my old cousins nightmares about my childhood that make since today. From being dirty all the time as an infant to other things.
Sexually I have been abused by 3 different men 2 of them where many many times over for years, recently I went to the DA to press charges as I did some research to find him. Which they are in the process of doing,(long story). I recently went to the the Attorney Generals office about another perp, and they are going to forward with that. Working on an article of Male Sexual abuse. I am also a gay male and I now know that I have take on the abuse ownership from manipulation, based on statements that where made on how my body reacted when clearly no child would have any concept of that. I have always been a wall flower which many people are shocked about who know me, they think I am the life of the party. To many's amazement I am single also and have been for years, always married to my career. Which since I have been doing this work my career is in the toilet.
Recently, in the last 30 days I have been taking risks, putting myself out there, about to launch a software company, and have been talking to random guys at the gym. This has made me feel very very vulnerable freaking out inside I just want to crawl in my hole and put my walls back up. This is all too scary, I feel that I am going to be judged again on my sexuality and fail at this new work, it is feels so strange to have someone believe in my business concept, and my business partner really behind this. I know I have always expected the worse, and I am scared it is going to happen all over again. At 42 I know I need to start taking risk so that I can have the fruits of life but it is scary.
Has anyone had something like this happen for them? Cause honestly these body feelings and the whole head thing feeling risky is no fun.