Hi Bryan. Finally have a little time to sit down and do some reading/posting this afternoon. Now that I've read all your replies I don't have a lot to add that wouldn't sound like I was just regurgitating what others have already said or repeating the things I said to you privately.

The one thing you mention that sticks out to me more than anything else you posted here was the fantasies you developed at 10 of men forcibly sodomizing you. (God that part triggered the shit out of me!) Not that I have common experiences from my own childhood but just issues with children and sexuality and whatnot. That's not your fault though, so don't worry about it. I am responsible for my own triggers and for how I handle them. Anyway.....

I am going to have to say that there is not one 10 year old child on this planet who would have those thoughts/fantasies about grown men who had also not been sexually abused. Those types of thoughts don't just randomly happen in the minds of 10 yr old children. It very well could be that the things that happened to you happened at an age that you were to young to really remember much. Hell, I don't remember much from when I was five and under either. Not good stuff or bad stuff. Almost nothing at all. Just little flashes of things and scant memories. So, add the fact that what happened to you at a very young age was traumatic and confusing and it makes sense that your conscious mind blocked it out. A few years later, when you were 10, those memories were still kicking around in your subconscious mind and manifesting themselves in your conscious mind as rape fantasies and whatnot. I have to believe that's what it is. I'm no therapist and certainly no genius but after reading that whole post that's the only analysis I can think of that makes any sense to me.

Anyway, as usual, I have to wish you luck in your search for answers. Don't give up man. Take it easy. Peace,