Normally I'm not one for bringing any attention to myself at all and hate when people (especially adult males) take any notice of me. But as my T said a few months ago, "you say that nothing interests you, nothing excites you, and you live every day looking for distractions. If you refuse to face your abuse head on then you've got the rest of your life to live in that same mode...so how's that working out for you?" He is sometimes rather straight forward and doesn't pull a punch, but I admire that honesty and with my tendency to treat anyone in authority with contempt and anger, it did snap me out of denial and I'm trying to finally call a spade a spade rather than dress it up with the "rules" I learned so long ago.
So, in an attempt to shed the shackles, although in an admittedly anonymous method, I'll take the step of saying hello. About me...hmm. I'm 44, have a job working from home so I only leave the house twice a week (once for grocery shopping and once for my T appointment), have a lovely supporting wife and no children (I became sterile as a result of cancer treatments back in 2003 - cancer the gift that just keeps on giving). Which is a great segue into the next paragraph.
Things really came to a head when my wife and I attempted to adopt a child who had experienced a lot of SA from his biological father. I thought I was the perfect candidate for the role of father to such a child given my own history (which I'd never told anyone about) and when that failed about 2 years ago due to the child's behaviors, I stopped eating (dropping 60 lb.'s or so), stopped going to church (my only source of outside communication since I work from home and have no one I'd call a friend), and pretty much just shut down. I had always thought I had turned my back on the things from the past but my T has shown me how those things have effected everything from my cynical outlook on life to my introverted personality.
I reckon that's enough of an introduction but as I strive toward a supposedly brighter future, I expect to be here rather often. Thanks for the time reading this.
Sometimes it seems unfair that events so old can reach forward through the years, sinking claws into one's life and twisting all that follows it. Yet perhaps that is the ultimate justice: we are the sum of all we have done added to the sum of all that has been done to us. -Robin Hobb, Fools Fate