I am writing this to exorcise some demons. I had terrible connections to other males when I was abused. I had a father who seemed to dislike me, an older brother who treated me poorly and I was smaller and younger than my peers at school and I excelled academically unlike many other boys. I was an outsider in many ways and I was desperately seeking a connection with men.
Then I was abused. I was molested, fellated and the man disappeared forever. I never knew him or knew anything about him. I wasn't "attacked" in a physically aggressive way but I was attacked in a more insidious way. I know that now.
But it created a link for me between sex with a man and a feeling of connection to that man. It wasn't true. It was a lie and my need was exploited for the abuser's benefit and my need was what I perceive my abuser wanted to use to hurt me, wound me, what he hated in me, what he covered up with sexual touch which felt good while simultaneously "knifing" me in the soul, mind and body. It was evil under the cover of normal, physical reactions.
I was already ashamed of sex prior to that due to family issues and this only further drove my sexual health into shameful areas and kept me further isolated from others. I developed two lives and one where I was the good kid (with an edge) who got good grades and such and the other guy who acted out sexually in private in ways that kept the shame up, the secrets up and a place where I dumped a lot of real needs. My needs became things that I was ashamed of. The people that I was attracted to were dangerous, not benign, and had an threatening aura about them. I wanted to attach to the threatening males in my life (father and brother) and I acted that out in my sex life. It is the truth and I am sick of being ashamed of it.
The only homosexuality (or SSA)that is exhibited in my life is this dynamic. I have practiced abstinence for 7.5 months now and have made great strides. However, I worked too much in the last two weeks and got imbalanced in my life and my urge to connect in this ill manner re-appears. I don't want to spend my time in private hell hating myself or loathing my sexuality any more. My life has been getting better but there are many things that I have never talked (or written about) and my private sexual life is the biggest, darkest area of my life with many many secrets. I am sick of trying to hide what I did prior to and after my abuse. I am sick of trying to deny my sexuality. That doesn't mean I am sick of trying to deny my orientation. It means I am sick of carrying this weight of trying to make it all okay so I can just "fit in". I do fit in - here. And other places. It is okay that I have my past (and present) and it is okay on here to get into stuff that I can't elsewhere.
I don't know if this makes sense but I am sick of trying to clean up my act, so to speak, to appear a certain way to feel better about myself. I acknowledge what happened, what men did to me, how men abused me and let me down and I don't, for today, forgive the abusers, my father or my brother. They need to understand that they are all culpable to a degree and they don't get to have a relationship with me without my abuse.
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed