Sorry to hear about your story, that sounds really awful. I'm so glad you are here and working through it. That's what we have to hold on to.
I hear you on the memories. I do the exact same thing. If I feel in any way in the spotlight, I start feeling like that abused boy under the lights. It is horrible. This happens all the time with sex and any time I release. I feel like I am back in front of the camera. The worst is flashbacks of all the trash talk when I was being abused. To this day, I can't stand dirty talk in bed. It is so triggering.
I have thought about joining a 12 Step. I think SIA is one that I could go to, and there is a local chapter. I have been sitting on that one, so maybe it's time to jump over that fence.
I am still trying to work out and clarify my memories. I blocked so much out, and just remember enough to know what happened. I really want to remember a bit more, but I guess that comes on it's own schedule, not on mine. My T says when I am really strong around these issues, I may remember more.
Good luck to you on your journey forward, Mac.
"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."