Welcome, Mountain Time.

Sorry to hear about what is going on. Unfortunately, given what happened when you were young, all of what you described is a normal response to what was pretty horrible, even if it was years ago.

Originally Posted By: Mountain time
Hi. For the last 20 years I have been hiding some things from myself and everyone else in my life.

Three years ago, I finally "woke up". What I thought I had been hiding from was always there, but I couldn't put it all together, find the words and get the proper help for so many years.

Ten years ago, I met the mother of my kids. I believe that when I set out to make a real life for myself, I also put myself on the path that would eventually lead me face to face with what I was hiding from. It's painful to embrace the reality of having held it all in for so long, but that is a way we humans have of dealing with something. I hope that you can now find the strength to do that. It sounds like you are with someone who cares about you.

Originally Posted By: Mountain time
I have talked to a therapist a couple times now about it every time I have gone to talk about it I end up thinking about it more and more to the point where it consumes me. Now not just is my marriage a mess so am I.

When I finally decided to keep my feet on the ground and face stuff, the rest of me started getting really dizzy. As hard as it has been, all of the past times when I had developed tendencies to space out or get fuzzy now started to make sense. If you can start to talk to someone about it, you will begin to understand how these responses take the form that they do. As messy as you may be, the inner need to heal is what is creating it now, not the recurrence of what happened originally.

Getting started with a therapist can be hard. You may want to ask for some recommendations in your area. And don't be afraid to interview them at first, to see what feels right for you.

Originally Posted By: Mountain time
I have been fighting about sex with my wife forever and could never tell her or myself that it might have something to do with my past.

I didn't realize how much I was doing this and now regret it. Now I am starting all over again and just trying to understand what trust really is.

Originally Posted By: Mountain time
A few months ago in a drunken and depressed state a got a prostitutOe to see if sex was really that messed up.

Yup. Did that. Did a lot of it, just to find something out about sex. In the end it didn't teach me as much as I thought it would, but I understand why I did it.

Originally Posted By: Mountain time
I just want to take off and put everything Back into hiding and stop thinking about it.

We are here to listen, even when you want to hide it.

I hope you can get a lot from what others say hear as well. Learning about how this has affected us is the first step to finding the hope to make a better life.

Focused Body
Lose the drama; life is a poem.