Hi. I have been checking out this site a lot lately. For the last 20 years I have been hiding some things from myself and everyone else in my life. From the ages of 7-12 I was sexually abused by my 2 older cousins. One more than the other but some times both. I don't ever remember actually haveing sex but there were a lot of other things that I was forced to do. I know this doesn't mount up what so many of the guys on this site have had to deal with and I don't know if what happened with me was even abuse or just my cousins figuring things out for themselves . But lately I have been a fucking mess. I have been with the same woman for ten years and last year with our marriage falling apart I told her about my past and broke down. I have talked to a therapist a couple times now about it every time I have gone to talk about it I end up thinking about it more and more to the point where it consumes me. Now not just is my marriage a mess so am I. I have spent the last few months depressed as hell and can't get the my head to focus on anything else.I have been drinking and smoking pot just so I can get my brain to stop thinking about what a fucked up person I am. I have been fighting about sex with my wife forever and could never tell her or myself that it might have something to do with my past. But since I have told her about I have been so out of my mind with this and my marriage I have been doing nothing but hurting myself and her. A few months ago in a drunken and depressed state a got a prostitutOe to see if sex was really that messed up. I had never cheated on my wife before this and I couldn't lie to anymore. She says she is trying to get her head around it and understands that I am trying to deal with some things. But I don't even know why I did it. I hate myself for it and I can't understand why she puts up with my shit when I lied to her for so long. I love my wife with every bit of my heart but I don't feel like I deserve to be here anymore and I just want to take off and put everything Back into hiding and stop thinking about it. C