Whome and focused, thank you.
Things are still up and down. He's acting secretive still, and is incredibly defensive, but is participating in date night and doing things around the house, as well as attending school functions with the kids. I'm sure he's feeling a lot of shame right now. Honestly, I'm not sure what I can do for him other than to recognize the positive living efforts he's making. I dislike being in the position of not pointing out when he's slacking or expecting me to do things for him via assumptions and acting without communicating plans, etc. However, I'm his wife, not his mother. That controlling behavior has been a major sticking point throughout our relationship. An attitude of entitlement from either of us is not our friend.
Whome, I'm not sure what, if anything, he's doing to heal right now. He's stopped going to recovery meetings, doesn't call his AA sponsor, but isn't drinking. He's skipped the past two weeks of therapy, and they've said they're willing to adjust his fee down more, so he starts back this week. He has never told me any details of abuse he might have discussed in therapy, but has told me of realizations he's had surrounding his FOO and their dynamics. He's not in a support group; I'm not sure if the DV center here has one for male survivors. When he was still in his 'hiding out' phase and insisting I seek help for my CSA, he went to a supporters' group. I thought about asking the MC or my IC if they have a men's survivor group, although I'm not sure how to approach it if the answer is "yes".
Focused, he's definitely in distress mode. That's within his comfort zone. I finally sat him down and told him that "doing" is fine, but he is "just doing" at the expense of "being" and that it appears he's using it to run rather than face what might needs to change within. He got mad and told me I'm not his therapist. I suggested he reconsider his attitude toward challenges from spouses in marriage, because we have to live with each other, not the friends or therapists in our lives.
I guess he thought about it, because that night he took me with him to gauge perception of a potential client for a consulting job. He said, without anger, that my gut instinct has been right about this before, and he wanted my take on it. After the meeting, he asked my opinion, I gave it (don't work with them) along with the behaviors I saw that led me to that opinion, and then...he took the client on.
I think there are three people in my marriage: me, him and his ego-based fear.
Edited by Airmid (05/05/13 02:55 PM)