Rocco, I can't say I've cried often even through recovery, but reading your reply, even in the emotionless voice of my synth absolutely hit me.
On the disability issue, I'm certainly not! one of those people who sits around and says "I'm an X so nobody can understand me" indeed that attitude and similar cleaquism and living of highly subscribed lives is why I don't particularly have anything to do with other visually impared people or organizations, since with the majority, (though by no means all), even those who are my age, I find I have little to nothing in common and that I become frustrated at their over all outlook on things.
One thing I've noticed about ms is that whatever a person's abuse experience there is a shared level of imaginative empathy, which is as much a reason why ms seems to work as the actual shared experience, if not more.
i really can't say how my resolution affects my interactions with others, indeed I'm not even sure if it does since from my perspective nothing has changed in the way others react to me, indeed I! managed to fall in love again in november, this is precisely why I tend to think these "natural processes" people talk about with couples just don't work for me. I am quite aware people who are in! relationships have problems (one look at half the topics on this forum), however it still seems they have the possibility at least for something else, where as I pretty much don't.
What bothers me far more is that as an adult, people always seem to react to me the same way. Once I've got them to recognize I'm actually a human being and we've had the "blind" conversation, people start telling me things, ---- especially girls. The amount of times people have told me things about themselves they wouldn't share with others! I get the complements etc, but that's as far as it goes.
One thing I've realized is that I only ever interact with people when there is some external reason, a production to be done, a lecture to be attended, my weekly tabletop roleplay game or the like, during! those commitments, even immediately afterwards people are fine, but then they leave and that's pretty much that, I don't see people again. I! can contact them, but that always feels forward, and even if I just phone or E-mail for a chat, that's as far as it goes, even from people who tell me the most intimate details of their lives!
All of my close friends are people I met in my first year of uni, and that was pretty much the only time I remember people visiting me! not the other way around, indeed I remember one evening just before christmas when quite by chance six people, including one Russian, one Pole and one American all! wound up visiting me in my room at the same time, that was unbelievable, and at that point that's how I thought life was going to be, ---- how wrong I was.
I don't think it is that people have used me in the past, indeed if anything my biggest problem is being disregarded! rather, it always seems people treat me like some sort of outside expert on their lives, a doctor or a therapist, someone who is great to talk to about your problems when you have an apointment with them, but not someone you want to spend time with after hours.
indeed, the only people I tend to speak to regularly (since most of my close friends who I met at uni now lives miles round the country), are my brother and one friend, and while I get on with my brother and we spend time together, there is still something missing, the same goes for my dad.
It also doesn't help that I've recently grown rather distant from my mum who I did! have a very close friendship with, due to some issues she's having currently which have sort of escalated, mostly due to her tendency to throw too much into trying to help people, ---- or rather to change people who don't want to change which universally ends badly.
the problem is none of these are things I know! how to change, especially as regards everything connected to my genophobia. I am not being false in my interactions with others, neither am I cutting people off, indeed one girl during the production commented on how open and approachable I was. Since I don't know how it's supposed to work, or even how I myself was so different back in my first yer as opposed to nwo since that's the closest I've been to what I'm looking for, I can't particualrly practice or try anything else, ---- just like I feel stuck with genophobia since I've got too good at avoidance, and if I let myself actually try to experience the idea of s/x or the actuality of physical touch, I shatter.
I'm tempted to call myself a coward for this, but I have a suspicion that is my worthlessness again not an objective judgement.