I sat there listening to the National Day of Prayer today. Not planned at all. I sat hoping for something...??? I turned it off due to commitments.

I came back 30 minutes later, and turned it back on. They were praying now honestly and emotionally, and it drew me in.

Within 20 seconds, I started hearing my own heart-felt resistance. AAAGGHHHHH! I'm not mad at God...just trusting Him seems impossible currently. I told Him, fearfully but honestly. I don't know if it's an abuse thing.......

I realized and admitted to Him that I didn't really believe He loved me.

It's just noone was ever there. God help me. I'm SICK of blaming it all on abuse.....I'm wanting to walk past it....and I'm unsure where I'm supposed to go. I'm SICK of swimming in self pity--I'm SICK of it.

OK, I'VE BEEN AFRAID OF GOD. Simultaneously, I desire His love. What do I do?

Venting here