thank you for sharing your feelings.
it has been extremely helpful to me.

i am experiencing one hell of a breakthrough after reading your story.
i totally relate to your raw honesty.
something about the vulgar language has resonated within me.

i have been hiding my true feelings without being aware of them.
when examined in clear daylight, they are very similar to yours.
i have been hiding behind a convenient society double standard to avoid facing what i really felt underneath the ignorant macho posturing.

when i recall honestly how i felt back when my friend's mother seduced me as a teen...
i was totally high and stoned on the pills she gave me the first time.
i did not want to do it, but i did not want to let her down, or hurt her feelings by rejecting her groping and grabbing,
even if i had not been impaired, i don't think i had the assertiveness to say no to a woman who had been so "nice" and "friendly" and "flattering".

every time it happened after that, i was sober and straight, but i was sort of baffled as to how to end it now that it had already happened.
she was very aggressive.

i was also curious about sex with females, she offered to teach me how to "make love" so that i would be able to "please a woman", and i just couldn't see what was wrong with it, other than the fact that i was completely unattracted to her, she was over twice my age, and the mother of my friend.

this unattraction became horror and disgust every time i got the summons to her bed.
i dreaded her calls.
i started to feel like a toy or a pet.
she was in control, and i simply complied to her instructions.
i was simply functioning.
i most certainly was detached and objectified.

i did feel "special" for the first few times, because she told me how "special" i was,
and how girls my age were too stupid to see what a "man" i was.
this feeling faded fairly quickly, as did the conversations.
there was no intimacy whatsoever, and very little exchange.
i was merely "following orders" by the time it ended.

i hated the hiding and secrecy.
i was very afraid of discovery.
i was extremely relieved when it ended.

none of the above sounds very "lucky" to me.

i must have forgotten all those emotions.
my repression has been very impressive.
but it is peeling away layer by layer.

this is necessary.

thank you again for sharing.