I have not experienced any type of sexual abuse but I wonder at what point did something start to go wrong... I was home schooled since 6th grade until graduation, very sheltered from the world. During my time in public elementary school my parents prevented me from attending a sexual education class in 5th grade. Perhaps I was too young but I think back and wonder if I was educated, would things be different?
As I began puberty I had no idea what was happening to my body. I found that if I touched myself, a liquid that wasn't pee would be released from my body, was this safe? It hurt at first but it felt kind of good at the same time... I didn't feel comfortable talking to any of my parents about it because my private parts were, well... private. I was curious and I didn't know who to talk to, I was sure something was wrong with my body, but decided I would turn to my new 56k internet connection in hopes of finding an explanation of what was happening...
It didn't take long to discover what was happening to me. I will try to shorten this story and just tell you that ever since using the internet to learn more about my body and what was happening I have been fixated on penises. I imagined of doing what I did to myself to other men and making them feel good. Since the age of 15 and looking at underwear sites of men in their briefs this fixation has lead now into hardcore gay pornography. I think about the things I view and it disgusts me but at the same time it's beginning to not have the same pleasuring effect on me, it's not enough any more. I have never been in a relationship with a male or female. I want a relationship with a female ad to eventually have a family but I feel like I've tarnished myself too much to ever feel normal. I undoubtedly have homosexual feelings but I can't accept them. I can't accept that lifestyle, not because of someone else not accepting me, because I don't see the type of happy fulfilling future with that choice.
I'm 28 now and I don't know why but I still feel like I'm stuck with the curiosity I had as a teenager. Why can't I get past this fixation of the male body... I never had and still do not have a close relationship with my father. Doing something as having a simple conversation with him feels awkward. Did this lead me into wanting more affection from a male, maybe... a compliment from another man or rub on the back automatically registers in my mind as a sexual advance. Why can't I accept that it's possible for males to be close, without being gay.
Also, I have been over-weight all my life. I've always imagined what it must feel like to look like a man. I have never accepted my body and always look at other men and imagined how different my life would be if I looked like them. I have spent too many years wanting to be someone else.
Having been raised in a religious household only adds to this stress. I do not condemn religion but I think some people are sometimes too confined by it. At my core I believe homosexuality is a sin. I believe this is perhaps some sort of trial I'm going through but I wonder, when will it end. When will I reach the goal of overcoming the temptations of flesh. When will my mind be stronger than my body. Some days are better than others. A few months will pass and I won't have these strong desires but other times I'll be tempted to tell someone I'm attracted to men. It's like a have a wound and I let it partially heal and then right before it's about to go away I have to tear away the scab and begin the healing process again. I fight it because I don't accept this for who I am. Yes my body may desire another man but I see nothing but regret in my future if I make that decision.
I'm sure there are others here that have experienced this very same thing. I'm not really looking for answers any more because I've come to the conclusion after all these years that the temptations will never go away. The sin in this world will never go away, temptation will always be there to haunt and torment us. I have read posts here of how people want to live a straight lifestyle. I feel it's OK to want that, some people may tell us we're not being true to ourselves by not being openly gay, that's bull$h!t! No one else on this earth knows me better than I know myself, I know what I truly want out of life. Getting there is what I'm working on. I've read stories of a man being married and having children and then later in life realizing he's actually gay. I wonder, did he realize he's gay or did he just finally give into what his body lusts for? Should we make all of our decisions in life purely by what feels good? I've been battling with my weight and let me tell you sometimes I have a craving for some really terrible food. Sometimes I'll give in and other times I won't, because of this "balance" of good and bad, I maintain my weight. I feel like this is what I'm doing in my life. I'm not letting go of the homosexual desires, I'm still holding onto them which is creating a tension of two opposites and results in me being frozen.
What I'm working on now is making myself believe that I am just as good as any other man out there (you'd probably think a lot better once you got to know me). My exterior may not be in shape or look as attractive as some but I am at least equal.
Edited by optimus2125 (05/01/13 03:00 AM)