I haven't been very active here lately, but I wanted to touch base and let y'all know how things have been going on a few fronts.
After four months of foundation building and trust bonding, and after starting naltrexone (more on that later), my T finally started doing EMDR processing with me this past Friday. In some sessions I have been wondering what I've gotten out of that session by half-way or 3/4 of the way through it... but *this* session?
After 30 minutes of following her finger, I was exhausted. I felt things I had never felt before. I felt "high" from my internal brain chemistry. I felt I was feeling Izzy without him hurting me, which was a crazy feeling.
What has also been interesting is how "Little Cant," my persona that typically recreates the abuse and so therefore hasn't appeared much in my T sessions, has been presenting himself. Apparently, he is the one that helps me do things when "Big Cant" goes away.
I wouldn't have noticed this except that during the EMDR processing, I tell my T "yes ma'am" and "no ma'am," which Big Cant doesn't do. Therefore, it appears that Little Cant is taking over in these moments to help us work through them.
There was a period during the processing when Big Cant, Little Cant and Izzy all felt co-present together at the same time, and it felt crazy.
To supplement my EMDR, I'm taking low-dose naltrexone. I graduated up from the compounding pharmacy 1 mg and 5 mg tablets to full-sized tablets of 50 mg. For three days I took 25 mg, half-pills, and I ended up sleeping all day and vomiting at night, so I backed the dosage down to a quarter tablet.
This is supposed to help with stuff, but I'm still acting out and behaving in ways that I wish I didn't, so the jury is still out on that one.
Is getting better. I disclosed to my aunt last month and she's been great and very helpful. I'm about to go to her house now with a bottle of wine to talk about stuff.
I have more to add, but gotta run for now. Thank you, my MS brothers, for keeping me alive.
But he grew old, this knight so bold / And upon his heart a shadow / Fell as he found no spot on the ground / That looked like El Dorado.