Hi. Wanted to see if others have bumped into this situation and what they've done about it.
Here's my Question: Have others had an early adult experience (it was wrong and I'm shameful) but then later find yourself seeking out what happened to you?
When I was about to graduate from college, I got to know a much older professor, one who was widely respected in the university. I went to his second house on the beach with a classmate; we ate, drank and talk for 2 days. But then the friend left and it was the professor and me. The next morning (just the two of us), he asked me to pose for some art work/photos he was working on; had said that other guys I knew had posed.I didn't want to rock the boat so did so. He wanted me to wear very skimpy swim shorts that were more silk than polyester. He photographed, adjusted me and so on most of the day, on an off. That night, he moved into the room I was in. When the lights were off, he came over to my bed and hugged me, pulled down the sheets and slowly took off my underwear. I was in shock and didn't move...WAS JUST FROZEN. He turned me over and gave me a handjob. The next day was the same...photos, posing, bed and then the handjob moved to a blowjob. This continued for many days and not a word was said.
Subsequent to those 2-3 weeks, I rarely saw him but worked to have sex with as many women as possible for long afterward. I got married, many years went by and I was involved in many events that led to a very strong case of PTSD. Eventually, I divorced, at at the same time, my work life became very tough.
Here's the issue and request for advice. After separating, I had this strong fantasy of find an "older guy" and get and handjob from him while I wore panties. This in fact happened and went on for years. Each guy would look somewhat like the professor and it went from massages and handjobs to blowjobs. This gradually more complex and deeper levels of sex (with marijuana) went on for years. I eventually got the right medications and the right job to reduce/manage my stress and PTSD.
Have others had an early adult experience (it was wrong and I'm shameful) but then later find yourself seeking out what happened to you?