When I read in the news of a perp being arrested, I find that I feel sad. Even though I'm aware of the horror that person has forced upon a child, somehow I empathasize with him. I get crazy feelings: I'm afraid, I'm sad, I feel lonely - really I feel everything but anger. It's like I'm frozen all over again. Does anyone understand my feelings?

I read a lot about anger toward perps here - why aren't i angry? Is this ok? I feel guilty about my feelings, and afraid, like maybe I identify with evil. Do I feel so empty and powerless because my dad is the man who (this is hard to write) violated and abused me? Argh, I love him. I wish.... I wish he never did it, but i dont hate him, i think...

Can anybody relate?

I'm sorry if this is hard to read, and I hope it doesn't make me a criminal in anyone's eyes.


I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.