I've started to write something and then erased several times already... I feel like I just need to talk through some stuff and don't know where to start.
My husband waffled back and forth until late March on whether he should move out. Once he actually committed to an apartment he spent the next week breaking down every day crying and saying he wished he could take everything back, he wished he had never done all those things, etc. He said he didn't want to move out, he's forcing himself because he needs to be punished and needs to suffer. It's hard for him to be around me without feeling overwhelmed by guilt. He also says he doesn't think he will be motivated to get help until he loses me. He finally did tell me the day before he moved out that he knows he does love me.
He has just now been gone two weeks and the first week he saw the kids and I almost every day. And we had contact through texts quite a bit. This past week the contact has been less and I have shown a much stronger demeanor.
He asked me to remind him why he moved out periodically. Which is to get help and have space to think. I have asked him once each week if he has called the counselor and the first week he had but he waited late in the day and didn't have time to do the screening. To my knowledge he has never called back. The first week he was gone, he texted me saying he wanted to have sex. I told him that we would not be having sex until he started going to counseling. He didn't even acknowledge the text. When he saw me the next day he tried some little innuendos and I politely reminded him of my boundary.
The second time I asked him if he had called the counselor and he said no, I ended the conversation and have now been detaching more. He has noticed and he's been close to breaking down a few times. He came to the house last night to spend time with the kids (I was working late) and my daughter said he looked like he was going to cry when he saw that I had taken all but one of our pictures down. He actually snooped through my closet to see where I had put them. He then started grilling her about me. "Is mom doing ok?" "Is she sad?" As I was leaving work, I passed him driving by my work to check and see if that's where I really was (I assume).
I'm having a really hard time when I see or hear about him struggling or hurting. I want to comfort him and tell him I still love him and that I'm here silently supporting him but at the same time I have to start moving on because he's making no move to get help. I understand he's scared and it may take time, I have no plans to file for divorce or date, but I do need to be strong for my kids.
I think it's scaring him because we separated for 10 months back in 2005/2006 and I was a clingy mess. I am no where near the person I was back then. I get sad but it's not consuming me. I do miss him but it's not running my life.
This is so hard. I just want to hug my husband and tell him I love him.