I have to get these thoughts out related to ASA so here I am.
I hurt myself. Around 5 years ago I lifted things of excess weight, and I gave myself a double hernia. On surgery day, after the double surgery- both sides were "repaired" - before the anesthesia had worn off, between the pain pills and coming in and out of consciousness-shaved down, stained from the anti-septic, mumbling rather confusingly I am certain- I was sodomized. I was raped. Very violated. I remember it, I couldn't stop it, and I fail to remember how it ended. Your guess is good as mine.
This weekend I hurt myself. Again. Dumb dumb me. I lifted a few pieces of heavy furniture by myself. On one, I felt the pain shoot through my groin area. I now have the soreness and the swelling in the groin area. I am triggered beyond anything I have encountered to date related to the adult rape. If it stays sore and swollen, it means I have ripped open one of the hernias. Or both. This means I will have to go to the doctor, drop my trousers, and my underwear. Someone's hands will again touch my most private areas as they feel around and decide what is going on. And I will need to just stand there.
If another surgery is needed, that means anesthesia, lose of consciousness, and at least a day of being incapacitated again. Laying in a room of strange people without being in control, having on no underwear and at the mercy of whomever. I will again be at the most vulnerable, exposed top and bottom. And I am just beside myself. It explains why tonight is so emotionally rough.
Has anyone had these fears of returning to the clinic? Has anyone been assaulted while being medically incapacitated.? I would like to hear. The guy who had me was not a medical staff member, but a supposed friend who was supposed to care for me after leaving the clinic. How did you overcome your fear of being in a vulnerable position after being assaulted?
For now we see through a glass, darkly.