Thought i'd share a little bit more...

Though i wish it hadn't happened, truth is i can choose to use the experience to grow, to grow Spiritually, to use it to help others, as so many of us end up addicted, confused, hurt.

Now that i'm aware of the CSA and it's effects, i can see the root of so many dysfunctions. Now i get why i was so paralyzed with fear, had so much shame, so much hurt, the feeling of being broken and unlovable. First time i did the 12 steps i did the best i could, but i never quite understood the root of all the fear, insecurities, etc.

I think that my GF withdrawing and breaking up with me was a blessing, because i really made me do a totally honest inventory. I saw much more clearly where my insecurities were hurting all of my relationships, i saw my self seeking behavior, i saw how many unhealthy expectations i put on romantic relationships.

It really got me to another level of sobriety, hard to explain, but i'm much more aware of character defects than i've ever have been, and now that i see them, i can work on them. It's really about learning to not rely on self, but on the God of my understanding, and that is not easy, it requires daily work, but the rewards are oh so freaking amazing!

Yesterday i bought Victims No More, paid $23 to have Amazon deliver it today, i'm ready to dive into it! I have no idea what's ahead of me, but i know i'm strong enough now to deal with it, with the help of God, my therapist, and what/whoever he puts before me. I will say that looking at the lineup for the music fest, my cousin who was one of the perps will be involved in one of the events, and it sent a wave of something through me, haven't identified if it's fear, anger, combo, or what. But, it's odd because while the memories were suppressed, i never had that reaction...