Hi. I introduced myself today in the introduction forum, figured i'd get my story out...
To start with i'm 47 yo, 2x divorced - one a 19 yr marriage w/ 3 amazing daughters, 2nd marriage a disastrous rebound that lasted about 18 months. Sober from alcohol going on 4 years, crack free for almost 24. Very involved in AA.
My 'journey' with SA started recently (about 6 weeks ago)when i was talking w/ my GF about the abuse she suffered, she's also sober. Well, it just came flying out "i was sexually abused as a child". I was like WTF, where did that come from?!?! Evidently i had buried it so deep i never thought about it in about 37 years.
Then, memories started coming back, slowly, and insecurities as well as fear, not so slowly. What i can remember was being penetrated by a neighborhood boy who was probably 5-6 years older, i was 9 or 10, best i can remember. Also, i cousin who was 6 yrs older, don't remember if it was oral only?
So i tell my therapist who helped me get off crack and alcohol, and then more memories started coming back, ones of sexually experimenting with other boys my age when i was around 10-12, as well as experimentation with homosexuality when i was 18-19. I remember the shame of it all, the fear, the weight of the burden. I remember being really confused about my sexuality, i wasn't attracted to men, but yet i experimented with sex w men. I also remember a tremendous of fear, pervasive fear, the kind of fear that completely f'd me up.
So one day, early in my dealing with this (about 5 weeks ago), i googled males who were sexually abused as children, and was blown away, i saw how these events drastically altered the course of my life, negatively. I wondered where the guilt, fear, and shame came from, i grew up with great parents, went to private school, really had a good life, well, other than the trauma...
About 3 weeks ago, my GF started withdrawing from me, very distant, before we were incredibly close. My insecurities came rushing back, and instead of applying wisdom, and saying, in love, "lets talk when you're ready, but in the meantime, i'm going nowhere, standing still, but i'll give you the space you need", i pressed forward, looking for reassurances, and that made it work. Well, i pushed it to the point where she broke it off with me, said my life was chaotic, that it made it hard to be serene with me running around with my head on fire, juggling 10 balls. That got me thinking, praying, looking at myself and my actions. Did the 4th step again, saw how much of my will had been interjected, ignoring Gods will (we got 'pre-engaged after 80 days, that's crazy). We soon started texting, keeping it light, and sat down Monday and talked. She said let's go slow and just be friends for now, and i agreed, we talked for 2 hours that night. Tuesday night, we talked on the phone for over a hour, last night went to a fashion show my daughter was in, Saturday we're going to a music fest. I've been praying hard for guidance in order to be able to do His will (in other words, keep my will out of it, i'll screw it up), and to not put expectations in.
Really seems like this SA coming to light knocked my self esteem for a loop, got me really off balance. Since then, i've really been praying hard, often, thrown myself into helping others (jail meetings i host, sponsoring other alcoholics), and finishing 4th and doing 5th step tomorrow.
At times i'm very emotional, not sure why. the other day when meditating, the word Trust came up, and i broke out into tears, i realized i have trust issues, which is rooted in fear?
I'm not sure where this SA journey is taking me, or how i get there, but i refuse to be unhappy, unhealthy, i'll deal with whatever i have to deal with. I have an obligation, most importantly to myself, but also to my 3 daughters, to be the very best i can be, to be an example for them of what a healthy, happy, solid man looks like. Sorry if that sounds arrogant.