My heart goes out to you. Your words in this latest post are a trigger to me, as you warned, but beyond the triggering I in your story of abuse and loss, I'm angry and I'm sad because a friend has been hurt and violated. 

Reading this I understand better what you mean about the CSA and ASA filter. I guess we all struggle with this. 

I think you shouldn't worry about controversy. When one presents facts and feelings such as you have, it shouldn't stir controversy, because it is honest, and it asks for support. 

When you say that your wife died of cancer, that you were the caregiver, that you worked full time, and " know what I mean," I want to tell you that I don't know what you mean. You've been through hell - twice and more! I'm proud to know you because you are alive, you have survived. You have the strength to share a fearful experience and your confusion about it. You are amazing to me. I am not sure that you "placed yourself in harm's way" - I think you had the misfortune to meet up with an evil guy who saw that you were hurting and in need and he took advantage of you. 

I'll grant you - there is something to your suggestion that "when we are weakened emotionally" we can revert to our victim feelings. I'm not sure those victim feelings ever leave us totally. But, I reject any idea of self blame you have for the rape you suffered. I know you know this, you've thought it all out, it sounds like. You are very wise in my estimation.

When you suffered the CSA, you probably were alone. You had no outside resources. My observation is that you are not alone this time. I hope sharing this post is a way you can begin to access those resources.

Geoff Tuck

Edited by GT13568 (04/16/13 07:10 AM)
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.