Si, I hear you on this man and totally undstand where you are coming from and all the feeling behind. I used to be there and just wanted it to go away. I could never be like the other boys or men. It felt like i had a big rock tied around my neck. The problem is, that to a degree is feeling a need to be in denial about what happened to us. I am one of the fortunate ones, that though my abuse was severe, I have out on top. I had counseling for one year when I was 32, but also one of my best friends that I grew up with is a psychotherapist who works with csa teens and was intimately familiar with my situation. It still wasn't a breeze and he never formally couseled me, but I did have him to bounce ideas off of along the way as I worked through the issues. Oddly when I was younger, he was the normal guy that I was always measuring myself against and trying to be like,mthe seemingly charmed kid. I later learned as an adult that he had his own issues and insecurities, we all do. One of the most important things I had to understand was that of being normal for who I am now. No one who knows me would ever suspect that any of this has ever happened to me unless I tell them about it. In that alone is a certain amount of normalcy.
It is vital that we pick up from where we are now and go from there. As strange as it may seem, the things that have happened to me have many times worked out to be a blessing in my life. I know you think I'm a lunatic, right? Well, maybe i am. LoL. Every time I am able to take what has happened to me and use it to help another guy who is where I was once, it turns the tables on the things that happened to me and sort of settles the score.
If you will notice the signature I use under all my posts, it came to me one day several years ago and is what I live my life by every minute of every single day. We have to accept, forgive (did not say forget) and move on to be the person that we are and will be. Therein lies the power. We cannot be like others around us who seem to have charmed lives. Over time, I have learned that most or all of them have issues that they are handing of one sort or another. We all have our crosses to bear in life. Bad shit happens to good people man. It's just that way, even to good kids like I was and you also, I have no doubt. You have to be tough with this thing. We are the privileged who get to bear one of the big ones.
There are great things on the other side. It is a quest, a journey and not a scate down the avenue.
My best to you!
If someone throws trash on my lawn and drives away, it is mine to deal with. I make the decision whether to collect it or take responsibility for cleaning it up. We are the sum of our choices. For some, these were thrust upon us at an age when we were not qualified to take such resposibility. R.J.