Just a quick update.
Itís been a month since the Katrina of flashbacks made my levy give way to a massive flood of suppressed feelings and memories. It worked for over 25 years. Even when there was the occasional flare I was able to cope with it. There were always SSA urges and other sexual distortions and yes disfunctions but those in one way or another became part of my ďnormalĒ . some times clean means no dirt but sometimes the best you can do is not to allow the dirt to be seen, and that was me.
A month ago I lost complete control. My life upsidedown. Iím not sleeping, canít focus at work, I felt the shame and ager were consuming me. Started dispising my self, sometime to the point of hurting my self, but to my family and friends, a smile, jokes some times even comfort. I became so good at projecting what I was not I was amazed but repulsed by it at the same time.
Where do I stand now? I think Iím coming to terms with myself again. I canít continue like this, being controlled by anger and frustration and pain. I donít know how but I will become resilient. Itís said that what doesnít kill you makes you stronger, well here I am.
I will build a better wall, I will fight harder. I will not succumb to the hurt from my childhood and I will become a man. I canít turn back time to fix the past but I can fix myself to face the future. I might not succeed but I will not go down on my knees. Whatís the word? TO ARMS MY BROTHERS, TO ARMS.
ďLife is a storm. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout: Do your worst, for I will do mine! Then the fates will know you as we know youĒ
Alexandre Dumas