I seem to be constantly vascillating with emotions. There are times when I get almost obsessed with wanting to know the who and what. I sometimes think that if he would share with me, I could take all of the pain away and I want to confront these people and turn their lives upside down the way they've done mine. There are times when I want to lash out at his mother (his father has passed) for having been so selfish that they didn't see it and didn't protect him from it. I get angry at our counselor for not pushing him to do work and accepting that him chatting on here is enough to deal with it.
Then there is the pain, worry and frustration with him. He has had a relationship before me with another man and he was looking at male porn not so long ago, even going so far as to meet up with a guy. So when he is unable to perform is it because I'm not what he really wants. I try to be understanding, he does work to make sure I am satisfied but I sometimes really miss th intimacy aspect of intercourse. He also goes straight for the kill, very little foreplay, almost like he wants it done and over.
I go to Al Anon and even though I don't talk about these feelings there, it still helps keep me centered and helps me remember that these are feelings and we can't necessarily control them but we can control how we react to them. I love my H more than anything and I know that he loves me, I just needed to vent a little. I would like to know if there are others that have similar feelings, emotions and how do you deal with them? Has anyone had their MS tell them everything, did it help, did you call out the abuser or am I just crazy?