Airmid & Shawuska
Thank you all for your insight and honesty. Its good that you all don't fake it to make it. I think MSers need that honesty.
Maybe for survivors part of healing process is to face our compulsion/avoidance reaction. That must stink royally to our wives.
As far as a survivors viewpoint.. at least mine anyways it is like I must have control over the on & off switchnfor intimacy. That is not healthy for both in relationship... I think on my part because of trauma it was linked to rejection by woman (and growing up by father) that set the stage for a Perpetrator to lure me in to be drugged & abducted for sex trafficking.
Relationships are hard enough without that dynamic so I am greatful we are still together and working on our relationship.
So to me lack of physical intimacy seems to equate to I am not man enough to have a woman so the male perp's (and female accomplice) were right.. I am here to serve desires of someone else. Of course I know in my head that is not right. But I think it takes awhile to sink into your heart. I have thankfully finally seen in my heart after 2 years into counseling & recovery that it was not my fault that I was abused. The potent cocktail of fear shame drugs and body feeling pleasure condemned me to silence and total memory black out for many years.
I do admire my wife and other wives who are hanging in there to work through things. AThanks again for your all's comments and insights.